Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
