I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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