Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
