your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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