Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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