im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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