I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
