I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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