I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
