it was like his penis was on wheels.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
