I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
