no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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