Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
