ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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