There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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