i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
