Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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