if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
