Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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