The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
