Who wears a wallet chain?!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
