hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
