i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
