hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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