I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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