did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
