I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
