she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
