you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
