wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
