your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
