i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
