i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
