she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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