Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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