Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
