I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
