"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
