You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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