paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
is that a dick in a sweater?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
