So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
