i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
