I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
