words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
