When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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