Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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