I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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