Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
