I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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