you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
